


inverse

by orphan_account



Category: ASTRO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, essentially reversing the traits from the member's bottles, inspired by the member's bottle's traits in the baby mv, listen. its a sad time but not a permanently sad time, mentions of wanting to die, standalone chapters ?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 18:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11087079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: not everyone can be who they want to be 100% of the time.in which the astro boys are everything you wouldn't expect them to be.





	inverse

**Author's Note:**

> every chapter is kind of standalone, and every member will have their own chapter! (this totally isn't a character study)  
> up first we have moonbin, whose traits are energy, passion, and warm love!  
> as warned, we'll be exploring a moment when his traits are the opposite.

in the corner of a bunk bed in the dorm, one boy lies awake while the others sleep.

he isn’t sure how long he’s been curled up and wrapped like a burrito, but he knows it’s been long enough for the other members to fall asleep.  his face is oily, as is his hair. he’s in ratty pajamas, and sitting up straight despite what time it is.

but bin can’t bring himself to sleep.  it’s not that he’s not tired because _god, he is,_ but he can’t relax enough to sleep.  this happens every night nowadays.

his brain is too active.  he can hear sirens from a few blocks away, the space heater humming, and the sound of both him and his roommate’s heartbeat. it’s too much, and not enough at the same time.  he wishes that the room were more quiet, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to hear himself think.

his eyes are wide open and bloodshot, but he’s not looking around the room.  images and videos from dance practice play over and over in his mind like nightmares, but they’re worse than nightmares, because the monster isn’t a green hand grabbing his ankle from under the bed.  it’s himself, turning against his own team members and tearing himself down.

every night, he mentally goes over the group’s practice - including his - silently and coldly as he stares blankly at the wall opposite to him.  if he emotionally detaches himself, it makes him feel less guilt about his thoughts.  he’s always been a perfectionist, but at some point his passion for music turned into his obsession over having the perfect debut

their debut is in three weeks - and dongmin can’t seem to kick as high as the others in the choreo.  bin glares at the mattress over top of him, where he sleeps. a pang of guilt hits him, but bin knows that sympathy for the weaker dancer won’t get them an award show win, no matter how attractive he is.

he looks to the door. a crack of light from the rising sun shines from underneath it. the other four members lay in a room beyond it.

he tries to contain his thoughts, and he’d never say what he thinks out loud, but sometimes they come out of nowhere.  he wishes he could stop them, but he can’t.  bin thinks about today’s practice again.

 _sanha is a gangly teen, so his dancing looks awkward. myungjun can’t regulate his voice when he’s nervous, jinwoo’s words slur together after a few practices, and minhyuk has too much power and thrust in his dance to the point where it’s almost violent._ bin hits his head against the wall.

he wishes he could just _not think like this,_ but he can’t control it. he’s a horrible person, a horrible friend, and an ever worse group member.  he’s overly critical of them,despite the fact that he can’t get _that one move during the bridge,_ that even dongmin has perfected.  his voice cracks, and he can’t figure out how make nice facial expressions when he dances.  he’s on a stricter diet than the rest of them for a reason, and he’s awkward in interviews. despite being the longest trainee, he feels he’s the weakest of them all.

bin isn’t sure when his lip starts bleeding, or even when he starts biting it in the first place.  his cheeks feel cold, and he realizes he’s crying. it isn’t pleasant, so he pushes his head down into the blanket.  he feels pathetic.

he doesn’t deserve his team, his family, his friends. he doesn’t deserve them, not when he has those thoughts about them.

he hears the ringing of an alarm from the other room. it’s myungjun and jinwoo’s.  they always wake up before everyone else.  he hears the shower start up and jinwoo’s humming.  it’s a song from their debut album. he can hear myungjun’s slippers pit-pat past his door and into the kitchen, the running of water, and the boiling of a kettle.

another alarm goes off. this time it’s coming from the bunk over top of him. bin’s head is still pressed against the blanket when dongmin whispers “bin. time to get up.”

he doesn’t get a response.

the door creaks open and bin hears dongmin leave, the shower starting up shortly after.  bin lifts his head, opting to stare at the wall again.  he doesn’t want to get up. he doesn’t want to go to practice. he doesn’t want to face the people he mentally shit talked all night. he isn’t sure if he wants to exist, either.  he lies his head against the wall, closing his eyes as if that’ll give him any pause.

it doesn’t, and before he knows it dongmin is barging in the room again.  he isn’t sure why he feels like he’s being intruded on. they’ve been roommates for years.

“bin, what the fuck? you have to get up, it’s your turn to shower. i told you to wake up ten minutes ago.”

bin can tell that dongmin is getting irritated. he can hear it in his voice - he sounds tired, probably due to the fact that along with the rest of the group, he’s running on four hours of sleep.  its getting close to their debut, so the boys go to bed late and wake up early.

bin thinks it’s killing him.  he knows that he’s being difficult, and that everyone else in the group is feeling just as shitty as he is, but he can’t cope with it like they do.

his eyes shoot open, meeting dongmin’s for a moment, and then focusing on the wall. he looks concerned.

“i-i-i can’t,.” his voice cracks.  he hates when it does that.  it’s what makes him a weak vocalist. he isn’t a twelve year old boy, so his voice shouldn’t crack anymore, right? what if it’s his weak, shaky vocals that hold astro back? maybe the group would be better off without him.  maybe the world would be better off without him.

he cries. dongmin pats his back awkwardly.

at some point, jinwoo comes in and holds him.  bin could throw up, he feels so bad.  he picked apart jinwoo’s rap, vocals, and dancing just hours ago, and now he was crying on his shoulder?

he’s sure jinwoo doesn’t want his shirt covered in a mixture of tears and snot, but here he is, holding bin tight enough that he couldn’t pull away if he tried, rubbing his back.

they don’t go to practice that day.  the world goes on.

instead, they stay at the dorm in their pajamas.  myungjun cooks what he calls “the world’s best ramen”, and even though they’re debuting soon and are technically supposed to be dieting, they empty the pot. they huddle around the single television they have and watch whatever comes on.  bin cheers internally when he spots a popular group member fall out of sync for a second, and he cheers aloud when he gets back in formation. maybe idols don’t have to be perfect all the time.

the members don’t mention how they convinced their manager to let them stay home, but he notices jinwoo steps out for a while in the afternoon.

minhyuk brings out a stack of uno cards at some point.  he slams a card down so hard that his drink spills, and sanha runs to get a cloth to clean up.  bin smiles to himself. they continue the game, and dongmin ends up winning that round, and the next round, and the next round.  

when the boys decide to go to bed, bin is out like a light.  he doesn’t know that dongmin tucks his blanket over him, and he doesn’t hear myungjun sing a lullabye while he cleans up.  

he stops staying up late and over thinking.  he starts looking members in the eyes, and helping them when he can. they help him too. waking up becomes easier.  one day, he wakes up as a debuted idol.

**Author's Note:**

> there it is folks! writing some parts of this was painful because how does one write a depressed and hateful moon bin...... like i cried just thinkin abt it....... what did you guys think? it's a side of bin i usually don't explore, but it was really cool to write. maybe i'm just too emo? i love angst so much?  
> come cry with me on my [tumblr](https://shouldveheldon.tumblr.com/)!!!


End file.
